Benchmarks

In loving memory of so-and-so (19xx-19xx), blah ba dee blah dee blah blah blah.

You see them all over the place, little plaques signifying that whatever they're attached to was donated in dedication to some dearly departed. But who ever really pays attention to them? Perhaps these trinkets are worthier of more notice than they've been receiving. Oh, I'm not saying we should revere our ancestors more. Rather, I believe that I've discovered a shocking memorial plaque scandal.

That's right! In outright defiance to the bygone and their mourners, memorial offerings are being misplaced. How did I stumble upon this grievous situation, you ask? I sat on a bench overlooking ducks and geese to eat my lunch. And this bench, like many benches in pleasant spots, had been dedicated in someone's memory. But all was not well. The blurb was not at all in keeping with the bench's location. It celebrates the memory of a certain Mrs. Who-zit (the names have been changed to protect the forgetful), a "beloved friend of Big Sur." Now why on Earth would a beloved friend of Big Sur bench be on the campus of UC Davis? Needless to say, it was not overlooking a magnificent stretch of Pacific coastline, but instead a humble manmade pond. Oh, the irony. Poor Mrs. Who-zit. Naturally, this suggested to me that the bench belongs not at UC Davis, but rather at Big Sur.

So where's the Davis bench? Perhaps it's at Big Sur? Maybe right now some winded tourist is ignoring the spectacular California coast scenery to puzzle over the "In memorial to so-and-so, class of 19xx, a spirited Aggie" (assume, for the sake of argument, that spirited Aggies exist). Or maybe this is more than a simple mistake. Maybe benches are randomized across the state, across the country! Maybe our spirited Aggie is being memorialized in Yosemite, or Mount Rushmore. The possibilities are endless!

So what, you're probably asking. Who cares if these benches are in the wrong place? Maybe it's a tribute to that person, to spread their memory about. But how can a bench celebrate someone's memory, when nobody encountering that bench has even the slightest possibility of remembering that person since they've never met them? (Never mind the perhaps more important question of how a bench can celebrate someone's memory in the first place.)

So as a result of this scandal, our memorial benches are in fact honoring no one. They still provide a useful service. Benches are great things to sit on, when you're wearing shorts and sitting on the grass would cause ants to crawl in your undies (most decidedly unpleasant). But perhaps there are even graver consequences. What if the dearly departeds devoted a portion of their wills to these benches? What if they further specified that their ashes were to be spread around the bench? I don't know about you, but what might ensue brings to mind novel plot ideas for campy horror movies... We'd better right this situation before they start haunting the wrongful benches! Or maybe I'll just stop sitting in benches... That should solve any potential problems, involving me at any rate =).