Expectations

I hate high expectations. Tragedy of my life: people have always had high expectations of me. And I'm a slave to expectations. I don't want to let them down. So I'm super paranoid about it. To the point where I probably project expectations that people have of me, when really they couldn't care less. There are innumerable instances I can cite of my paranoid delusions.

Like sophomore year, when I took the bio core. One of the professors was a friend of my mother's, from when she was a grad student there. I had made the mistake of introducing myself to him, at my mother's behest. From that point on, I was certain that he watched me during class. See, he was strange. He'd go, even when he wasn't giving the lecture, and would sit in a corner of the lecture hall. And I swear, he looked like he was looking directly at me. Never mind the fact that he had to look that direction to see the speaker, given his location... Regardless, I was convinced that he'd go through the tests and find mine out, now that he knew my name. (These fears might not be too irrational. I had a cs professor who did that once, and I know she did, because she emailed me about it...). And I just knew that he'd be comparing me to my mother. I had to work really hard, or he'd find out I'm not as smart as her... I had this same worry when I did a directed reading with my mom's thesis advisor. That was weird...

And then there's the problem that even when the professors start out as a tabla rasa, at least in regards to their opinion of me, they sometimes develop high expectations by the end of the quarter. I think that happened to me this quarter in my Applied Ecology class. The prof has told me twice now that I'm "the one." Kind of spooky, huh? Each time, I've been a different "one" though, I think, though they've been related. Actually, he seems to like characterizing things. So I suppose it's entirely possible that everyone in class is "the one", just a different "one" than I am. I'm the quiet one who's intelligent nonetheless. At least, that's my interpretation of his comments.

So it's the end of the quarter (finally). I've already finished off 2 of my classes, which leaves 2 more. And in both of them I'm feeling undue pressure to live up to high expectations. One of them is the remote sensing class I'm taking, which is being taught by two of the grad students in my lab. I worry that if I don't do well, they'll wonder why Susan (our advisor) accepted me as a student in the first place... So I had to rock the midterm. Which is good. It gives me a cushion for the final. So there's really no concern about my grade in the class. But I still have to ace the final, so that I'll live up to those damned expectations. Which probably don't even exist, except for in my head (there are lots of things like that =D).

I wasn't worried about my last class, but unfortunately the professor (who's the funniest person ever), has had reason to notice me lately. You see, John works a couple hours a week in his lab, and Kevin (the professor) has discovered that we're dating. So since he likes John, I guess he's starting to pay attention to me. Last week he randomly sat down next to John in seminar, and launched out with "Meg's a pretty sharp cookie." No prelude whatsoever. Yikes! He thinks I'm smart! The pressure. Now I have to prove it. I would much prefer if he decided I was smart after reading my paper. But having this high opinion of me beforehand is no good. No good at all. There's just too huge a potential for disappointment.

Oh well. So I guess there's nothing for me to do but work hard and strive to do the best possible. But that's the problem. It's the end of the quarter. I'm ready for a break. Burnt out, and suffering from a woeful depletion of motivation. But hey, the one benefit is that in the absense of motivation, I'm actually getting around to updating my weblog! That's good, right? =)